He makes me lie down.

These past few days have gone a little different than I had hoped for.
I was supposed to be in California right now on retreat.
Thursday morning, about 3:30, I had a rude awakening.
The room was violently spinning, I was extremely hot, and I wanted to vomit.
I managed to adjust my head so at least if I lay very, very still, the room will be at a standstill.
But even the slightest movement set it all off.
I could barely walk, yet somehow I was supposed to be going to the airport and catching a flight by 6:20.
After a few breakdowns, I called it off.
So, here I am, still in Boise.

Can I be honest for a moment?

I’ve been dealing with the same headache since about September.
This past month has been even worse.
It comes out of nowhere.
I’ve had the feeling of wanting to pass out multiple times.

I decided it was all stress related.

So, here I am last Wednesday, SO ready to be on that plane and on retreat.
I was beyond ready to turn off my phone for a few days.
Ready to not do anything except to let go and let God.
[in the sunshine of Oceanside. HELLO VITAMIN D.]

Then Thursday happened.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I was angry about it all.
About how I was finally going to get a few days of “rest” on retreat.
[because when you’re on retreat, it’s a different kind of rest.]
But then someone decided to change my plans…

Psalm 23 kept coming to mind:
“In green pastures he makes me lie down;
to still waters he leads me;
he restores my soul.”

He makes me lie down.

Guess what I did for the majority of Thursday and Friday?
I made friends with my couch.
I slept A LOT.

He agreed that I needed rest.
But He decided to give it to me in a different way.
[again, being honest, still a little bitter about it…] 😀

This weekend is just a reminder that He does see that I am struggling.
And that is okay.
Because we all struggle.
And those of us who work in ministry, I feel, can struggle about speaking up that we are struggling…
Maybe it’s because we are supposed to be the leaders.
Maybe it’s because if we have God, then how can we struggle?

It’s because of Him that I am able to struggle.
I know in the end, He will help me through it all.

So, I guess I’m just reminding us all to take time for ourselves.
To allow ourselves to struggle.
And allow ourselves to speak out about it.
Because your struggle is part of your story.
And your story is important.

Sometimes I just need the room to be spinning for me to see clearly.

You are loved. 🙂

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